The God Walk

God has entrusted to mere men the awesome privilege and responsibility of loving, leading, nurturing, and cherishing an imperfect woman in the same way that Christ loves his church. A loving husband finds ways to let his wife shine and creates space for her to develop her strengths. He makes it easy for his wife to submit, follow and respect him. Jonathan Leeman describes how a husband is to view his authority in the home:

 “The husband cannot demand respect or submission! His job is to draw his wife towards oneness. He woos her in a compelling, loving, gentle, patient, understanding way. Song of Solomon gives us a picture of the compelling nature of a husband’s authority. You are to win your wife with the compelling power of your love for her and care for her and tenderness for her as you seek to rule the earth together, as God instructed in Genesis 1. How tragic it is when a husband uses his authority selfishly for his own gain. We are called to rule and lead like Christ rules—a beautiful, tender, gentle Saviour.”

Lead like Jesus.

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am referring to Christ and the Church” (Eph 5:31).

God’s original plan envisages a husband who is a lifelong lover, leader, and learner.

1. Lover. Loving his wife is by far the most important responsibility of a husband. Paul summarizes, ^“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Col 3:19). The beautiful gospel story is enacted when a husband truly, unconditionally loves his wife, over and over and over, daily laying down his life and his desires/needs/wants for her good.

Paul likens a husband’s love to Christ’s love for the church: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25).

A husband’s love is a choice (Eph 5:25a). His love embraces feelings, but does not depend on them. Just as Jesus chose to love us even though we were unlovable, a husband’s love ought to be unconditional. A husband’s love is also sacrificial. Christ’s example shows that love is about what a husband gives, not what he gets.

 A husband’s love is exclusive. Although a Christian man is called to love all people, clearly, he is to love his wife as no other. It is a unique love, like Christ’s special love for his church. A husband’s love is other-person focused, not self-focused (Eph 5:28-32). He is to treat his wife in the same way or better than he treats himself.

Love is a perishable commodity.

A husband may protest, “But my wife knows that I love her. Nothing has changed since I stood at the altar and swore undying love.” But love is a perishable commodity. Yesterday’s love must be renewed and expressed to your wife every single day. A husband who does not actively love his wife will wake up one day to discover a distant wife and a marriage that’s withered into a lifeless stick.  A husband who does not intentionally love his wife will progressively become more independent, critical, harsh, and self-centred.

Do the things you did at first.

Another husband may complain, “We’ve fallen out of love. We no longer even like each other.” But in Revelation 2:4-5, God accuses the first century Ephesian church of lovelessness, “You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the deeds you did at first.” The role of a loving husband is to do the things you did at first when your relationship with your wife was sweet and intimate. Keep doing those things for as long as you have life in your body.

2. Leader. The husband is to lead his wife, as he submits to Christ. “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor 11:3). This is God’s order for the relationship. It has nothing to do with competence or equality. A godly husband needs to learn to lead his wife well. He cannot abdicate this responsibility by passively standing by and expecting his wife to take the reins, as Adam did in the Garden.

3. Learner. A godly husband seeks to learn and know his wife deeply, so that he can love and lead her better. Peter writes, “Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honour as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

An understanding husband is an observant learner, not for the purpose of criticizing his wife, but in order to praise, encourage, and help her become the woman that God designed her to be. He takes joy in her progress.

A dozen practices of a loving leader.

1. Take the initiative and bear responsibility for important decisions. Never make an important decision without getting your wife’s input.
2. Take an active role in teaching and disciplining the children.
3. Be completely committed to your wife in thought, word, deed, and sexual purity. She should know that you are a man of one woman, and she is that woman! Make your wife feel cherished like no other.
4. Do your best to provide financially (1 Tim 5:8), care for your wife emotionally, and provide what you know will be good for her. However, provision does not mean wealth and extravagance. It is better for your family to enjoy your presence than your presents.
5. Bring out the best in your wife (Eph 5:26-27). Allow her to shine.
6. Be actively involved in her spiritual life and provide spiritual leadership for the family. Do everything you can to help her see Jesus more clearly through the witness of your own life. Faithfully pray for her, that Jesus Christ may be glorified in her and that she might know his love and grace. As a couple, write down goals for how you want your marriage to honour God. Initiate devotions and encourage active service in church.
7. Trust your wife (Prov 31:11). Love believes the best and makes the most charitable assumptions when she makes a mistake.
8. Order your lives and finances so that she can focus her attention on her home and family (Titus 2:5). Relieve pressure from her shoulders.
9. Regularly praise, encourage, and affirm your wife (Prov 31:28-29). Everyone responds better to praise that to criticism. Gratitude not expressed is not gratitude. Honour not expressed is not honour. Each time you say the words, “I love you”, you are expressing three profound truths: “I choose you. I am committed to you. I delight in you.”
10. Show her tender affection with loving touches (holding hands, putting arms around her waist, kissing her goodnight (Song of Solomon 1:2). Affection expressed solely for sexual purposes is not affection.
11. Protect her from attacks from outside (John 10:27). Be a good shepherd to her.
12. Creatively find ways to nurture companionship and intimacy (Gen 2:18). Since God created marriage for lifelong, one-flesh union, a loving husband removes all obstacles to this unity. Plan date nights and share the happiest and saddest moments of your day. Find fun activities you both enjoy doing and schedule them into your week. Pray and read the Bible together. The saying is true: “Couples who play and pray together, stay together.”

Five practices of a learner.

1. A learner regularly reads good books on marriage to develop better skills. Other than Christ, nothing is more important to him than learning how to grow his marriage.
2. A learner studies his wife’s unique personality, goals, joys, and frustrations. He creates a haven for his wife to share personal things with him. A wife will close down if her husband fails to give her his full attention; makes snide or flippant remarks; cross-examines her like a prosecuting attorney; or gives solutions to her problems but shows no concern for how she feels.
3. A learner will notice his wife’s strengths, weaknesses, and pressures. A loving husband tries to understand the details of his wife’s life, to help and encourage her. He does not notice her faults to criticize her, but to stretch mercy over her failures.
4. A learner finds out what makes his wife happy (Deut 24:5). In the Old Testament, a husband was not allowed to do military service for a year after his wedding, as he was to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he married!
5. A learner understands the obvious differences between men and women. A loving husband does not treat his wife as a male buddy. Most women feel loved when they’re pursued and when their husband initiates romance. A learner realizes that men and women are different sexually and communicate differently—men give summaries while women want the whole story! A learner honours these God-given differences.

An honourable man.

Peter wrote that if a husband dishonours his wife and doesn’t live with her in an understanding way, his prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). This is a sober warning to husbands. An honourable man treats his wife with the dignity normally reserved for someone above him in authority. Honour is not a highly rated characteristic in our culture, but it is highly regarded by God.

An honourable man is considerate and humble in leading his wife. He is prepared to sacrifice his own comforts, privileges and desires for his bride, as Christ did when He gave up heaven to become a mere man, to lay down his life for his people (Phil 2:5-11). He has the same attitude as Jesus Christ, considering his wife as more important than himself.

An honourable man values and cherishes his wife simply because she is a woman. There is something inherent in manhood and womanhood that requires men to treat women with gentle consideration, understanding, and protectiveness (1 Peter 3:7). Feminists may disagree, but male chivalry finds its roots in biblical truth.

An honourable man does not raise his voice or use harsh or profane words with his wife. A husband who honours his wife listens patiently, speaks kindly, and expresses thanks and courtesy, even when he disagrees with her. As Solomon reminds us, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32)

A daunting task.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—”(Eph 5:28-29).

If you are feeling inadequate as a husband, this is a good place to be! God has indeed entrusted to mere men the awesome role of loving, leading, nourishing, and cherishing an imperfect woman in the same way that Christ loves his church. This is more than a daunting task; it is impossible in our own strength. But with God’s perfect love and limitless grace at a husband’s disposal, he can set out each new day seeking to trust, obey and glorify Christ in his marriage by loving, serving, honouring and leading his wife. No matter how inadequate a husband may feel, there is perfect sufficiency in God’s grace and his great and precious promises (2 Cor 1:20). Through Christ’s resurrection power, God has promised to give Christian men everything required to be honourable husbands and to build God-honouring marriages (2 Peter 1:3-4). In Christ, you lack nothing.

Series: Blessed are the peacemakers, by Rosie Moore. (Part 4)

Although many offenses committed against us should be overlooked to promote peace and unity, some problems are too important and need to be discussed before great harm ensues. But talking to a person face-to-face about a contentious issue is an unpleasant experience for most of us. It’s easy to sidestep the problem for so long that tensions build until they reach bursting point. Eventually we explode and bring out a long list of every offense under the sun, real and imagined. Worse still, we complain and gossip about the person, which fuels bitter divisions and deep hurt. A failure to speak the truth in love to our neighbour inevitably leads to a toxic war of words. Many precious relationships are lost this way, but the Bible gives us the framework for redemptive confrontation. Here are four verses that describe the nature of redemptive, rather than destructive, confrontation:

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:1).

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over” (Matt 18:15).

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Eph 4:15).

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29).

Overlook or confront?

Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). But how do we know when an offense can no longer be overlooked and we need to confront someone? Here is a four-fold test that Ken Sande applies in his book “The Peacemaker.”

1. The sin is visible enough to affect a Christian’s witness. It dishonours God to continue to overlook it.
2. A sinful pattern is damaging your relationship with the offender.
3. The sin is hurting others, leading people astray, or causing division between believers (1 Cor 5:1-13; Titus 3:10).
4. The sin is hurting the offender, either by direct damage, or by impairing their relationship with God or others. Leviticus 19:17 says: “Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbour frankly so you will not share in his guilt.”

In any of these circumstances, it is loving to personally confront your neighbour.

Direct confrontation.

Christians have a duty to address serious sin directly, especially in a fellow believer. Many texts relating to reconciliation involve a personal conversation as a starting point (Matt 5:23-24; Luke 17:3). Proverbs 27:5-6 says “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”

Many Christians object to direct confrontation, saying that correction is judgmental and unloving. They prefer to be a soft presence in someone’s life, allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work of conviction. But even in Matthew 5:1-5, Jesus is not forbidding personal correction. Rather, Christ teaches that once you have removed your own logs, “you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”. God does not require Christians to be peacekeepers, but peacemakers. This often requires personal confrontation. The Bible narrates many stories of disastrous consequences when believers delay or avoid direct confrontation involving genuine confession and forgiveness. None is so tragic as the rebellion and civil war that sprung from David’s refusal to meet in person with his son, Absalom, to confront him with his sin and pursue genuine peace (2 Sam 14:24; 2 Sam 15-18).

Superficial agreements that beat around the bush and avoid direct confrontation do not bring about genuine reconciliation. God often uses His people to speak the words that a sinner needs to hear to lead them to repentance, as in the case of Nathan the prophet’s direct confrontation with King David (2 Sam 12:1-13).

Restorative confrontation.

God also calls us to be restorative in our confrontations, just as He is with us. In Galatians 6:1, Paul has in mind a Christian brother who is caught, overtaken, or surprised by sin, someone in need of help because their problems have become so serious that they are unable to free themselves. It is not loving to stand by and watch someone be destroyed by their sinful choices. Instead of ignoring him, the Galatian Christians were to “restore him gently”.

Similarly, in Matthew 18:15-17, Christ said that if someone has sinned against you, you must take the initiative to clear the matter up and restore peace. The starting point is to discuss things in private, just between the two of you (Matt 18:15). The desired goal is to “win your brother back”.

However, if that person will not listen to you, seek the help of one or two other believers to confirm disputed facts (Matt 18:16). These facts may reveal your own misunderstanding, or they may confirm the offence. If the wrongdoer will not listen to them, tell it to the church and ask the elders to rule on the matter. This is the process for church discipline (Matt 18:17).

Matthew 18:15-17 is not about compiling a grievance list and forcing the other person to admit they are wrong. This distorts Christ’s meaning. It is set in the context of Christ’s redemptive story about a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt 18:12-14). It is followed by Christ’s teaching on lavish forgiveness and the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matt 18:21-35). Thus, the aim of the confrontation process is to establish the truth, using all possible means to show the wrongdoer his sin and restore him to Christ.

Gracious confrontation.

Instead of using shame to scold someone, the Bible teaches us to be gracious and kind in our approach, holding out the good news that God wants to free us from sin and help us to grow more like Christ. In writing to the timid young pastor, Timothy, Paul describes how God uses His people to graciously pierce the heart of another person to bring about repentance. Our confrontation may actually lead a sinner to come to their senses, as the prodigal son did (Luke 15:17):

“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth,  and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will” (2 Tim 2:24-26).

Similarly, Paul urges the Colossian Christians to put on Christ-like virtues which promote peace: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Col 3:12-13).

Christ’s gracious restoration of Peter is a perfect example. Peter could be restored to ministry only if his professed love for Christ was real, so Jesus asked him about the nature of his love (John 21:15-17). In Peter’s own letter to Christians decades later, he describes God’s restoring of those who have suffered, making them “strong, firm and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:10). The end goal of gracious confrontation is genuine repentance, so that Christ can mend broken people and restore them to usefulness in His kingdom.

Wise confrontation.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in inter-personal relationships, it’s that there’s no one-size-fits-all formula!  It’s risky to confront someone. What if we offend them and turn them off God forever? But God promises to give us wisdom when we ask and assures us that a wise rebuke can be very helpful to others: “Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear” (James 1:5-6; Prov 25:11-12). We need to trust God enough to risk offending our brother or sister.

Wise confrontation may include confessing our own sins, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing, or rebuking (Matt 5:23-24; Luke 17:3; Acts 17:17). Our approach will depend on the urgency and intensity of the wrong, as well as our relationship and role. It is wise to take a gentle approach first and to get firmer as is necessary (1 Thess 5:14). It is also wise to choose the right time and place to talk openly, without either person being exhausted or distracted.

In the case of a Christian wife living with an unbelieving husband, wise confrontation may require respectful and submissive behaviour, not words. Her “gentle and quiet spirit” may ultimately win him over to Christ (1 Peter 3:1-5). In confronting a person in authority, such as an employer or church elder, you will need to choose your words carefully so that you speak in a respectful manner, recognising that person’s authority. Daniel provides a good template for confronting a leader (Daniel 1:11-14).

In confronting wrongdoing, we can serve the person by offering helpful advice and creative solutions. We can learn from Christ’s encounter with the woman at the well by asking probing questions that led her to think and assess her own life (John 4:1-18). We can learn from Queen Esther, who took two days and two banquets to confront the King about his genocidal decree against the Jews (Esther 5-7)! It may be wise to involve other people right from the start, eg, when one person has been abused by the other and the abuser may use a private confrontation to manipulate or silence the victim.

Paul instructed Timothy to deal with people appropriately: “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” (1 Tim 5:1-2). At the same time, Paul instructed Titus to take a blunt approach with “empty talkers and deceivers” in the church: “Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith, not devoting themselves to Jewish myths and the commands of people who turn away from the truth” (Titus 1:13).

This illustrates the need for wisdom and discernment in confronting people.

Speaking the truth in love.

Finally, our words play a vital role in every confrontation, for “reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov 12:18).  We are to always speak the truth in love to one another, even to those who have wronged or mistreated us (1 Peter 3:9; Rom 12:14; 1 Cor 4:12-13). Regardless of our personality, Christians must learn to communicate the truth in a manner that promotes peace.

Speaking the truth means that we must lay aside all falsehood and never bear false witness against our neighbour (Ex 20:16; Eph 4:25; Prov 12:22). We must also speak the truth in love, not harshly (Eph 4:15; Prov 15:1). Marriages and relationships in families, churches and communities are regularly razed to the ground by the fire of an untamed tongue (James 3:5-12).

When we lecture and hammer people with what they have done wrong, dwelling on their failures, we create a chasm between us and the person we are confronting. Similarly, when we are slow to listen, quick to speak, and prone to angry outbursts, we will never achieve God’s redemptive purposes (James 1:19-20). “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Prov 18:3). On the other hand, when we speak the truth in love, carefully choosing words which build up rather than break down, we will become skilled peacemakers.

Communicating the truth in love means that we keep our remarks as objective and factual as possible. We do not use opinions or exaggerations like “you always”, “you never.” We do not misuse Scripture to manipulate others. We do not judge people’s motives or accuse them falsely. We do not hurt our neighbour by gossip and careless talk (Prov 11:11-13). We speak clearly and ask for feedback to make sure that we have understood accurately.

As Ron Kraybill, a successful Christian mediator has observed, “effective confrontation is like a graceful dance from supportiveness to assertiveness and back again.”

In Ephesians 4, Paul shows us how to bring the gospel into all our communication:

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ…

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbour, for we are all members of one body.  “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold…

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph 4:15, 25-31)

Christmas greetings!

I wish you all a blessed Christmas and many opportunities to showcase the gospel with your family and friends! With Christ’s help, may you pursue peace and harmony in all your relationships, remembering to mind your own logs, confess your sins and lovingly confront with redemption in mind. May the Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace give you peace and rest this Christmas season (Isa 9:6).

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:7).

Source:

Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker—A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.

Baker Books, 1991.

Series: Blessed are the Peacemakers. By Rosie Moore.

For a Christian, the gospel provides the model, the motivation and the power to resolve conflict and learn the skills of peacemaking (Col 3:13; Rom 13:13-14; Eph 4:1-3). In my previous two devotions “Called to Peace” and “Mind your own logs”, we saw that if God has made peace with us, Christians are called to promote peace, harmony, and unity, loving one another earnestly from the heart (1 Peter 1:22-23). While conflict may feel like a painful ordeal that induces stress, anger, or anxiety, it is also an opportunity to put off the deeds of the flesh which destroy peace and harmony, and put on Christlike traits which promote peace (Gal 5:19-20; Col 3:1, 8, 12-13). Conflict is an opportunity to seek genuine reconciliation and showcase the gospel.

The gospel models confession.

The gospel not only shows us how grievously we have sinned against God and others, but also offers us freedom from our past wrongs. Sadly, many people never experience this freedom because they have never learned to confess their sins honestly and unconditionally, either to God or to the people they have wronged. In my experience, failure to humbly confess sin is a leading cause of broken relationships, especially in marriage. One or both parties are simply too proud to admit their own part in a conflict, and choose instead the path of criticism, contempt, escape, defense, or sulking.

But since God desires “truth in the inward parts” (Ps 51:6), reconciliation is impossible without genuine confession of sin. Although our sins are ultimately committed against God (Ps 51:4), we are also called to confess our sins to one another so that our relationships may be healed and restored (James 5:16). Interpersonal confession is implied in many passages of Scripture (Luke 17:3-4; Eph 4:32; Col 3:13).

Confession is like the wind in the sails of forgiveness and reconciliation. It brings freedom and healing to relationships, first vertically and then horizontally.

Confession to God.

Confessing our sins to God paves the way for us to receive His mercy promised in Proverbs 28:13: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

In Psalm 32, David contrasts the physical and emotional toll of unconfessed sin, with the peace and freedom produced by honest confession and forgiveness:

“When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long,

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;

My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer…

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave the guilt of my sin…

Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven,
 whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one
 whose sin the Lord does not count against them
 and in whose spirit is no deceit (Ps 32:3-5; 1-2).

Unless we first ask God for mercy with no conditions attached, as the tax collector did in Luke 18:13-14, we stand no chance of reconciliation with God or with the neighbour with whom we are in conflict. But once we have confessed to God, it is time to consider the person that we have wronged.

Confessing to our neighbour.

Is conflict eating away at your marriage, your home or your relationships at work and with extended family members? It’s likely that you need to admit your part in the conflict and say sorry.

James 5:16 clearly says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed”. Genuine reconciliation in relationships happens when we learn to humbly confess our sins to one another, frankly and unconditionally. Our willingness to confess brings our sin into the light of day and shows how serious we are about restoring the strained relationship. Honest confession shows that we are not fighting to win, but fighting to reconcile.

In the heat of conflict, it is easy to mutter a half-hearted admission, “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but you attacked me first”, or “I suppose I may have been partly to blame”, or “I got angry with you because I’m so stressed and tired”. But true confession does not shift blame or lessen the offensiveness of our actions or attitudes. Sincere confession sounds something like this:

“I have sinned against God and against you by using harsh and reckless words. I have injured you with my uncontrolled tongue and slander…There is no excuse for using my words as a weapon against you. Please forgive me.” (James 3:5-6, 8; Prov 12:18; Prov 13:3; 17:28)

“The Bible reminded me that I have had a similar struggle as you, and failed miserably in it. Yet I’ve acted self-righteously towards you. I have nursed anger and malice towards you (Eph 4:31-32). Worst of all, I dragged other people into my sin (Prov 16:28). I forgot God’s mercy towards me and have asked Him to forgive me. I trust that He will give you grace to forgive me too.”

“Please forgive me for my grumbling and complaining. I have discouraged you and been critical of all that you do for us. I have taken my eyes off the good things that God and you do for me every day. I am so sorry that I’ve been ungrateful and discontent”. (Phil 2:14; James 5:9)

“As your boss, God has shown me that I have been self-serving in trying to increase my own power at your expense. I have refused to listen to your perspective. I was quarrelsome instead of being gentle, kind and patient towards you (2 Tim 2:24-26; Eph 4:32). I did not diligently serve, lead, and look out for your well-being like a shepherd should (1 Peter 3:7; 5:1-3; Eph 5:25-33.) I am truly sorry for misusing my authority and even threatening you.” (Eph 6:9)

The practice of using biblical words to describe our sin to one another shows that we want to please God more than we want to save face or get our own way. We are taking our sin as seriously as God does.

In his excellent book titled The Peacemaker, Ken Sande lays out seven A’s that characterize true confession to others. I have found these seven elements of confession useful to remember when I am trying to mind my own logs and reconcile with someone I disagree with:

Seven A’s.

1.Address everyone involved. Because all sins offend God, the first person to address is God himself, as David does in Psalm 32 and 51. As a general principle, we should also address every person who has been directly affected by our wrongdoing. Slandering, stealing, lying, or failing to love someone should be confessed directly to the offended person.

2. Avoid if, but and maybe. We must take full responsibility for what we have done or failed to do regardless of the other person’s actions. A confession that excuses or minimises our sin is merely a token apology designed to deflect blame or avoid consequences. Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation is thwarted by T’s and C’s like, “Maybe I should have waited to hear your side of the story.” “I’m sorry I lost my temper, but I was so tired and stressed.” “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but you really pushed my buttons.” It is better to be blunt and biblical than a lawyer in search of a loophole! “I have been an angry, hot-tempered man and have stirred up strife in our relationship! Please forgive me.” (Prov 29:22; 30:33).

3. Admit specifically what you have done, said, thought, or failed to do, using God’s own vocabulary from His word. Being specific helps us identify the behaviour and attitudes that we need to change. It also opens our eyes to see our sin as God does, not the sugarcoated version our culture presents. Do not use worldly categories, but confess specific heart sins like selfishness, ingratitude, envy, bitterness, hatred, stubbornness, vengeance, self-justification, pride, greed, lust, discontent, partiality, the love of money, ungodly fear of what others think, rebellion against God-given authority, good things that you want too much. These are biblical descriptions of sin. Confess specific actions or omissions by using biblical words like sexual immorality, laziness, gossip, slander, rage, deceit, gluttony, theft, adultery, lack of self-control, unwholesome talk, unkindness, failure to show deep and sincere love. General confessions are worthless, but specific, biblically-based confessions promote reconciliation.

4. Acknowledge the hurt. It is important to express genuine sorrow for how we have hurt other people by our actions, words and thought life. We should be grieved when we fail to follow the golden rule given by Jesus (Matt 7:12). We should be marked by the Christian virtues of “sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Peter 3:8-9, 4-8). Here are two examples of how this can be done:

“I really hurt and embarrassed you when I laughed at you with everyone in the office and failed to stand up for you. I saw you tearing up and did nothing to comfort you. I’m so ashamed that my fear of man caused you such pain.”

“As a husband called to love you as myself, I have not only sinned against God, but also hurt and defrauded you over and over again by watching pornography. I have been sexually immoral by not mastering my body in keeping it pure for you. I can only imagine how betrayed you must feel. You are justified in your distress. I deeply regret what I have done and am willing to do whatever it takes, in Christ’s strength, to overcome these sins that have enslaved me.” (1 Thess 4:4-8; John 8:34; 2 Peter 2:19)

5. Accept the consequences. Genuine repentance is demonstrated by our willingness to accept the consequences of our sinful actions and to make restitution if necessary. This is the pattern followed by the prodigal son when he confessed his sin to his father and added, “Make me like one of your hired men” (Luke 15:19). Likewise, Zacchaeus’s confession was accompanied by an eagerness to repay four times the money to those he had defrauded (Luke 19:8).

If we are unwilling to accept consequences, our confession is empty. “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Cor 7:10). Conversely, the more eager we are to repair the damage we have caused, the more credible our confession will be.

Here are two examples of how one would accept consequences:

“Beginning from today, I will call each and every person I have spoken to and admit that the things I said about you were not true statements. I will tell them that I have slandered you. I will put the record straight.”

“You have every right to lay a criminal charge against me for the money I have stolen, and I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But whether or not you lay charges, I will see to it that I repay you every month when I receive my salary, starting from this month.”

6. Alter your behaviour. Genuine repentance is always accompanied by a change of mind and actions, empowered by the Holy Spirit. John the Baptist called these changes “fruits of repentance” (Luke 3:8-14). Genuine change happens as we take our eyes off ourselves and focus them on Jesus and what he has done and is doing on our behalf. But the fight against temptation and sin is not passive. We must be willing to take drastic measures to forsake sin and move forward. As Jesus said, “If your eye offends you, pluck it out” (Matt 5:27-30). If your sin has contributed to a conflict or broken relationship, you could start by explaining to the aggrieved person the concrete commitments you are making with God’s help. And you could agree to meet with a church leader to hold you accountable for these changes.

 You could write out a commitment plan, prefaced with the words, “With God’s help, I commit to….” This plan would contain goals, objectives and accountability for the planned changes. Genuine reconciliation is more likely when the aggrieved person is presented with hard evidence of change, especially if the offense has been ongoing, such as angry outbursts or drug/porn use.

 7. Ask for forgiveness and Allow for time. If we have followed the previous six steps, the aggrieved person may readily forgive us, but it is always wise to ask, “Will you forgive me?” This shifts the conversation to the other person. But if we have hurt someone deeply, they may need time to process their feelings. It is unwise to pressurize someone into granting forgiveness and better to ask, “I know that it must be hard to forgive me for what I did to you, but I hope you can forgive me soon because I very much want to be reconciled with you. In the meantime, I will pray for you and do everything I can, with God’s help, to make things right between us. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.”

“Go and be reconciled.”

If someone has something against us and our relationship is strained or broken, Jesus places the onus on us to take the initiative and become reconciled. It is even more urgent than being in church on Sunday (Matt 18:15).

But an essential part of Jesus’s command to “Go and be reconciled” is learning to deal honestly with our contribution to a conflict, however small or big. The seven A’s of confession are not an empty ritual or formula for peace, but rather a framework to ensure that Christians glorify God and minister to others whom we have wronged. Confession is a necessary step in striving to live peaceably with everyone, so far as it depends on us (Heb 12:14; Rom 12:18).

Irrespective of the other person’s response and contribution to the conflict, true confession shows our commitment to repair any damage we have caused and to pursue peace and mutual upbuilding (Rom 14:19; Rom 15:5-7).  God takes delight in seeing his children living together in unity! (Ps 133:1-3) This should be our delight too.

Source:

Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker—A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.

Baker Books, 1991.

By Rosie Moore.

Another Valentine’s Day is upon us! You may be excited about your plans for romance, or the day may be just another reminder of the growing chasm separating you from your spouse. Perhaps you both feel as if love, once a blazing fire, now lies extinguished, leaving behind cold ashes. Whatever happened to the love?

You started out as great companions, united in everything. You nodded when the preacher at your wedding quoted Jesus’s words, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:7-9). Intimacy and companionship were once your mutual goals. Separation wasn’t even on your radar.

It all seemed so romantic at first, but then life happened. Now you struggle to find anything to say to each other, apart from syncing hectic schedules and arguing about how to manage the kids. Companionship has been replaced with bored silence, mindless scrolling, and hurried arguments about who’s doing what chores this week. You may be thinking, “Whatever happened to the love?”

Rekindling love.

The good news is that even lost love can be rekindled and fanned into flame. Love is not a feeling, but where true love is expressed, feelings soon overflow.

Sometimes we buy into our culture’s lie that love is a feeling that comes and goes. But love is actually a decision to do good to another person no matter what. It is a steadfast and faithful commitment to act lovingly in action and attitude, without expecting anything in return. “Love is love” is a myth, since God has defined what true love is, especially in the context of marriage (1 Corinthians 13:4-8; Matt 19:4-5).

In God’s economy, love is not a transaction between two people. When I was in the law profession, we applied the ‘reasonable person’ test to assess whether a person acted negligently to harm someone or not. We would ask, “What would a reasonable person have done in the same circumstances?” But real love does not apply the reasonable person test. Real love is more than a social contract between two people who promise to act ‘reasonably’ and fill each other’s emotional cups. Real love is more than the feeling you get when your husband or wife meets your needs.

Whatever our culture may believe about love, marital love is a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman to be kind and faithful to each other over a lifetime. Companionship lies at the heart of that commitment because God said, “It is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Gen 2:18).

Seek intimacy with God first.

Inevitably, a lack of companionship in marriage follows a lack of intimacy in our relationship with the God who created us and invented marriage. It is only the Lord of love who can empower a sinner to persevere in loving an imperfect partner over a lifetime of ups and downs. Love will burn hotter and brighter over the years, as we experience more of the love of our heavenly Father and the undeserved gift of his beloved Son, who laid down his life for us (John 3:16; Rom 5:6-8). It is this vertical relationship with the Lord that fuels the love of our horizontal relationships.

And so, if you recognize that your love for your spouse is lukewarm or getting ready for the ash heap, there’s no time to waste. Pursue an intimate relationship with the Lord as your first priority. The divorce statistics are not in your favour and Eskom will not ignite the fire of your love! It’s time to learn how to love each other by returning to God’s original design for marriage and the redemptive gospel picture that it represents. The truth is that marriage operates best when God’s plan is followed—with the husband as the loving leader and the wife as the respectful completer. When a wife’s submission is in response to a loving husband’s leadership, it’s not hard. It’s a joy.

Intimacy is a byproduct, not a goal.

Ironically, a ‘happy’ marriage comes to those who focus on pleasing God rather than themselves, on giving love, rather than receiving it. If you pursue an intimate marriage as an ultimate end, you will fail and be disappointed. Your marriage will become just one more idol on the throne of your heart. But if you seek to love your spouse in the way that God loves you, your cup will be full and you’ll never be disappointed.

At times, you will still be hurt by your spouse’s sins. You will fail to be the husband or wife that you know you ought to be. Your relationship will still be rocked by the pressures of life. But over the long term you will be transformed and intimacy will steadily grow in your marriage. Intimacy is the natural byproduct when a husband and wife are loving God first and finding their needs met in Him.

As Christopher Ash writes, “Paradoxically, the most secure and happiest marriages are those that look outwards beyond their own (often stifling) self-absorption (or introspective ‘coupledom’) to the service of God and others in God’s world, through love of God and neighbour.” That was always the point of marriage (Gen 2:18-25; Gen 8:16-18; Gen 9:1-3).

A bigger vision of love.

What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

What if God gave us marriage to expose the sin in us so that we could begin to learn how to love and to grow in becoming more like Christ?

What if every married Christian has the privilege and responsibility to showcase the love relationship between Christ and the church?

No wonder marriage is under such attack today! Even faithful Christians are feeling the pressure to accept, affirm and celebrate every kind of twisted ‘marriage’ the imagination can conjure up, for fear of being called hateful bigots or self-righteous pharisees. The image of the gospel in marriage is at stake. One of the things that Satan hates most is a marriage which displays the selfless love of the gospel. And one of the things that Satan loves most is seeing an ugly parody of the relationship between Christ and his bride.

The image of the gospel of grace.

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am referring to Christ and the Church” (Eph 5:31).

Marriage points us to our hope of Christ returning to claim his bride, the church, making marriage a living picture of the gospel of grace. Marriage is designed to demonstrate God’s redeeming love for his people and Christ’s restorative power to bring beauty from the ashes of sin and brokenness.

The Gospel, God’s answer for sin in this world, provides both the model and motivation for lifelong love and intimacy between a husband and a wife. For those who trust in Christ as their Saviour and Lord, the Gospel is the key which God has given to unlock closed doors between Himself, husband, and wife. The Gospel of grace empowers us to treat each other with kindness, to forgive, and to build trust, intimacy, and companionship year after year, not just on Valentine’s day.

The Gospel of grace ignites and fans into flame selfless marital love. It is the bridge between husband and wife who instinctively do things that create distance in their marriage. Genesis 3 explains why the flames of love tend to become embers overnight. The natural trajectory of marriage is to transition from a harmonious, one-flesh union to a state marked by distance and animosity:

The root of distance and disharmony.

Satan deceived Eve through a clever combination of outright lies, half-truths, and falsehoods disguised as truth (Gen 3:1-6). She listened to the serpent instead of to God and her husband. Adam was a passive bystander who failed to actively lead his wife into righteousness. Instead, he followed her into sin. Roles were reversed and disorder ensued.

When Adam first eyed his beautiful wife, he started out exclaiming, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!” But he ended up blaming God and the woman you put here with me (Gen 2:23; Gen 3:12).  The loving husband and wife who once lived in blissful harmony, “naked and unashamed”, ended up hiding in the shadows, with fig leaves to cover their guilt.

Doesn’t the Fall narrative expose the heart of every argument and every cold, estranged marriage?

A distracted heart is too busy to love. A disappointed heart gives up on love. A hard heart doesn’t know how to love anybody but itself. A rebellious heart finds God’s ways too restrictive. An idolatrous heart clings to its spouse like a saviour. There are so many black holes of sin that swallow love alive. But change begins when we recognize our need for the mercy, power, and love that we don’t have.

We need Jesus to forgive us and enable us to choose our spouse’s good over our own. God’s redemptive power is most clearly seen in marriages where Christ is revered as Lord.

Reverence for Christ.

In Eph 5:22-25, Paul gives us the blueprint for a loving and intimate marriage, fueled by the renewable energy of the gospel and reverence for Christ as Lord. Notice how many times Christ is mentioned, the invisible man in every interaction between husband and wife. The Lord Jesus is the heartbeat of every instruction Paul gives about marriage:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing  her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Your spouse does not always ‘deserve’ your best, but reverence for Christ means that love covers over a multitude of sins. After all, “We love because [God] first loved us” (1 John 4:19). God’s love sprung out of pure grace, as there was nothing good in us to commend us to Him. So, when it feels hard to show love to your spouse, remember that it wasn’t easy for God to send Jesus to die for you either.

Jesus modelled how a husband should love his wife– by dying to his own needs and desires, laying down his own rights to pursue the optimal good of his bride. The onus to initiate this kind of sacrificial, selfless love falls on the husband, who is the head of his home, as Christ is the head of the Church: “The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and give His life as a ransom for many.”

Both the husband who doesn’t lead in love, and the wife who doesn’t submit, respect and complement her husband are ultimately rejecting Christ as their Lord. But Paul says, “Remember what God did for you in Christ! Remember that God sought to reconcile you with himself, at ultimate cost to himself! Remember that he acted for your good even when it cost him everything. Now go and do the same in your marriage!” A life centered on the Lord Jesus will enable us to freely love our spouse without demanding anything in return. He is the the ultimate Groom who fans the flame of marital love.

A prayer for marriage.

Lord, help me to see that the more I learn to love like Christ, the more joy, contentment, intimacy, and happiness I will have in my marriage. Teach me to love you with all my heart and to love my nearest neighbour as myself. Give me fresh eyes to see the gospel of grace, so my life will be marked by the attitudes and actions of love: Help me to be patient and kind in my marriage, not jealous of others or my spouse. Keep me meek, so I will not brag, nor speak arrogantly or rudely to my spouse. Keep me humble, so I will regard my partner as more important than myself and seek opportunities to do good to him/her every day. Rescue me from my stubborn selfishness! In the heat of conflict, give me self-control, so I will not be easily angered nor embittered by my spouse’s past wrongs. As husband and wife, may we refuse to rejoice in unrighteousness, but rather rejoice in the truth of your Word. Lord, impart to us your unfailing love for each other– a love that bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Remind us daily that our greatest achievements, services, and sacrifices are worth nothing without love.  Thank you that your love never fails, even if ours does. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

(1 Corinthians 13).

Do you long to be fruitful, like a well-watered tree in unsettled times? Do you wish for strength in the time of crisis, and even more to share with others as you bear fruit for the Lord?

On the brink of war and captivity, the prophet Jeremiah used classic Hebrew poetry to tell the tale of two trees planted in the desert: One represents a person who keeps trusting God, one doesn’t. The trusting individual is vital and fruitful, nourished by a healthy root system connected to a stream. This resilient tree grows and adapts to change without fear or anxiety, even when the heat and drought of the desert are intense. This man’s confidence is in the Lord, not his environment.

In contrast, the other tree is dehydrated, fatigued and barren, “like a bush in the wastelands…in a salt land where no one lives.” It is a stark and solitary image of a burnt-out, joyless, empty and disconnected man, blind to “prosperity when it comes” (Jer 17:6). He doesn’t notice everyday blessings. Two people respond differently to the same heat and drought of the desert.

Jeremiah wept over the fate of his beloved country, Judah. He predicted the destruction of Jerusalem and the terrible events following Jerusalem’s fall when God’s people would be captured by the Babylonians. A national calamity loomed. Yet, even in those unsettled times, God’s faithful remnant would be blessed if they kept trusting Him, instead of turning their hearts away from the Lord.

Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.

“This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
⁶ That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit” (Jeremiah 17:5-8).

The weeping prophet.

Jeremiah is known as the weeping prophet, but he was also the blessed man described in verse 7 and 8. I wonder how this message must have ministered to him personally?

Jeremiah’s audiences were usually hostile or apathetic to his messages. He was ignored, his life was often threatened. He saw both the excitement of spiritual revival and the sorrow of the nation returning to idolatry. Apart from Josiah, Jeremiah saw one king after another ignore his warnings of God’s judgment and lead the people away from God. He saw his fellow prophets murdered and he himself was severely persecuted. He was even thrown into an empty cistern and left for dead. By most standards, this was a deeply disappointing life.

I don’t think any of us can imagine how disheartened and sorrowful Jeremiah must have felt to know God’s deep love of his people, yet to see their rejection of that love. The nation invited disaster because of their callous disregard and disobedience of God. But even when he was tempted to give up, Jeremiah knew that he had to keep going. God had told him, “You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and I will rescue you” (Jer 1:6-8).

Jeremiah could not measure his success or faithfulness by whether people accepted or rejected him. He could not put his confidence in public opinion. God had called him to endure and to keep bringing His messages to the people, even when he was ridiculed and abused. He continued to do God’s work even when he suffered greatly for it. Of all people, Jeremiah knew the heat of the desert and the year of drought.

But Jeremiah is among those “commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better” (Heb 11:29-40). He is the ‘blessed man’ described in Jer 17:7-8.

A tree planted by the water.

The prophet’s life is an example of the tree planted by the water. He is an encouragement to believers in all ages to remain faithful and keep trusting God, no matter how inhospitable the desert in which we are planted. The broken, groaning, sin-cursed world we inhabit has been a wilderness since Genesis 3.

The world today is a troubled place. Corruption, strife, illness, wars, immorality, cancel culture, cruelty, oppression, persecution, and financial pressures are bearing down on us. We need to take to heart the warnings and encouragements from Jeremiah’s poem.

The apostle Paul is a case study of how to flourish in the wilderness of a fallen world and through the heat of trials. In his letter to the Corinthian Christians, Paul warns his readers to be careful where they set their hearts. He urges them to learn from God’s Old Testament people as they journeyed through the desert on their way to the Promised Land (1 Cor 10:1-13).

A bush in the wastelands.

Like the Israelites, Christians will face many blessings and temptations in the heat and drought of the wilderness. Like them, we will be tempted to turn to idols, sexual immorality, ingratitude, doubt, and grumbling. Although we have everything we need for life and godliness (1 Peter 1:3), we will be tempted to turn our hearts away from the living God and to drink from empty cisterns. These leaky buckets will leave us dry and joyless.

Like the Israelites, we too will be tempted to test God’s goodness and may cynically ask:

“Can God prepare a table in the wilderness?” (Ps 78:19.) “Surely nothing will ever change! Surely the dry bones of this marriage can’t be redeemed!” Although we have the Holy Spirit and indescribable blessings, we tend towards unbelief.

Psalm 78 describes how easy it is to forget all that God has done for us and to “willfully put God to the test by demanding the food [we crave]” (Ps 78:18). Despite a miraculous deliverance from slavery and daily provision of water, meat, bread, guidance and God’s presence, the Israelites complained bitterly: “True, he struck the rock, and water gushed out, streams flowed abundantly, but can he also give us bread? Can he supply meat for his people?” We don’t have to guess what the Lord thought of this entitled attitude. The Lord was furious with the Israelites, “for they did not believe in God or trust in his deliverance (Ps 78:20-22).

Like the Israelites, unbelief is crouching at the door of every believer’s heart, but we must master it.

Here are four questions to ask ourselves about our responses in the desert:

1. Do we turn to false gods when we face hardship, as the Israelites did? (1 Cor 10:7; Numbers 25:1-9). From whom do we yearn for approval and fear rejection? What makes us feel rich, secure, and prosperous? Where do we find comfort, hope, and safety? Honest answers will reveal our idols.
2. Do we selfishly pursue sin or sexual immorality to distract us? (1 Cor 10:7-8).
3. Do we complain and grumble instead of seeing God’s provision all around us? (1 Cor 10:10)
4. Do we test God by doubting his sovereignty, goodness, and wisdom? (1 Cor 10:9)

Drawing strength from mere flesh.

Even as Christians, our human tendency is to rely on ourselves: our talents, wealth, health, business acumen, training, intuition, feelings, and goodness. We breathe in the air of independence and self-reliance. “I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul”. We like to feel in control. But God calls this mere flesh. It cannot sustain us in the desert heat.

It is only when the sun beats down on us and the year of drought saps us of all our strength that we get to see if we are truly trusting in the Lord… or drawing strength from mere flesh. It is when we have a difficulty that is far beyond our ability to endure, a situation so desperate that we despair even of life itself, like Paul describes in 2 Cor 1:8-9, that we are forced to see if we are really relying on ourselves, or on God who raises the dead.

Far beyond our ability to endure.

Whatever the nature of Paul’s thorn in the flesh, he desperately wanted to get rid of it. It was no mere inconvenience. He longed for the eject button to escape the torment of his fleshly ‘thorn’. Yet, God allowed this adversity to remain, not only to curb any tendency for pride in Paul’s heart, but also to teach him to rely on Christ alone.

Paul had plenty of natural strength to draw from—intellect, knowledge of Scripture, Jewish pedigree, divine revelations, extraordinary insight, morality, and philosophical knowledge. But like you and me, the Apostle Paul had to learn to humbly depend on God’s grace and to delight in his weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10).

If God is going to use us, He will make sure that we know our dependence on Him. He will often remove the very thing we feel so confident in, so that we will see the empty fountain for what it really is. The desert will expose what food and drink sustains our lives and where we place life-anchoring, life-directing trust. Regardless of the faith we profess, God will show us where we functionally find refuge, safety, comfort, escape, pleasure, and security. Adversity is the crucible which forces believers to depend more on the Lord, in order that we will be more useful to Him.

Jesus said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me…Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). Apart from our union with Christ and total reliance on Him, we can do nothing that glorifies God. We need to know our thirst.

A third tree.

Jeremiah spoke of two trees, but there is a third tree—the cross on which our Saviour died. Anytime we are tempted to doubt God’s love and provision for us, we need to look to the cross of Jesus Christ. We need to reason with ourselves:

If God loved me enough to provide his own Son to die for me when I was his enemy, surely he loves me enough to care for me now that I am His child? (Rom 8:32)

Didn’t He say that whoever trusts in Him will never be thirsty again? (John 4:13)

Hasn’t God given us his Spirit, so that we will overflow with streams to refresh others? (John 7:38-39)

Isn’t Jesus the Rock from which the water of life gushes? (1 Cor 10:4)

Is Christ not the good Shepherd who leads his sheep beside quiet waters and restores our thirsty souls? (Ps 23:2; John 10).

Isn’t He the Lamb at the centre of the throne, who will one day lead us to springs of living water and wipe away every tear from our eyes? “Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat” (Rev 7:16-17).

Streams in the desert.

Even now, we have many streams in the desert to refresh us, most crucially, God’s Word, prayer, and fellowship with other believers. These are the streams of grace that God has provided to stay connected to Christ, our life source.

“Blessed is the man [whose] delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and whose leaf does not wither. What he does prospers (Ps 1:1-3)…The Law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul” (Ps 19:7).

God’s sovereignty and love do not mean that we should not expect adversity. But God will never allow adversity that is not ultimately for the good of His children. He wants us to remain vital and fruitful amid the desert heat, promising that “His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and excellence” (1 Peter 1:3).

If we depend on Christ, we will persevere in faith. We will be equipped for more effective service, so that we can come alongside others in their times of trouble (2 Cor 1:4). We will continue to produce the fruit of the Spirit—Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). And our spiritual root system will strengthen, as we learn to drink deeply from the fount of every blessing.

This year, no matter what the conditions in the desert, let’s commit to be a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

Series: Blessed are the Peacemakers, by Rosie Moore.

“Blessed are the peacemakers,
  for they will be called children of God (Matt 5:9)

Most of us are not born peacemakers, but becoming a skilled peacemaker is not an optional extra in the Christian life. In my own case, even minor conflicts stress me out and I tend to seek out escape routes and eject buttons to avoid having to deal with unpleasant people or situations! But pretending that a problem does not exist and trying to carry on as though nothing has happened only delays the inevitable blow-up. It also breeds bitterness. As the Holy Spirit works in my life, I am learning to become a more skilled peacemaker, because Christ commands it and equips his followers to do it (Matt 18:15-18; Gal 6:1). Peace-making is the overflow of a heart that is at peace with God (1 Thess 5:13; Eph 4:3). We are called to peace in our relationships with one another.

Escape response.

The High Priest, Eli, favoured the ‘escape’ response to conflict when he refused to deal with his sons’ sin. His denial led to disaster for his entire family and the nation of Israel (1 Sam 2:22-25). The escape response may lead you to quit your job, leave your school, divorce your spouse, cut off a relationship, or refuse to communicate rather than work through a conflict. A person who repeatedly avoids or denies conflict is often bitter. Bitterness is retained anger that nurses hurts and broods over past offences, real or imagined. Bitterness is a destructive sin which is one of Satan’s favourite tools for destroying unity in churches, families and other relationships (Eph 4:26-27; Heb 12:15). “Escape” is the first pit that many of us fall into when conflict arises. It is a futile attempt to protect ourselves from pain and discomfort.

Attack response.

The second pit is to ‘attack’ the person who has opposed or thwarted us. People with an attack response generally use force or intimidation to inflict pain on others, including hurtful words, untrue accusations, angry insults, mocking, name-calling and gossip. Malice longs to make the other person look foolish or to crush him or her emotionally (Eph 4:31). This person typically minimises their sinful outbursts, calling it ‘venting’.

An attacker cares more about getting their own way, winning the argument and defending themselves, than about restoring the relationship or glorifying God. James 4:1-3 reminds us that attacking our opponent is a sure sign that an idol is ruling our heart. The message is, “Either get in line with what I want, or you will suffer.” ‘Attack’ is a natural but dangerous response to conflict. It is the enemy of peace-making and healthy relationships.

Enormous harm is done to our Christian witness and to relationships when we habitually choose the escape or attack responses to conflict. These responses may be the only patterns we have seen in our own families, but they are carnal and unbiblical. Deep hurt, messy lawsuits, physical abuse, seething hatred, harsh accusations, bitterness and broken relationships inevitably ensue. Even if we do not physically try to kill a person, we are guilty of murder in God’s eyes if we nurse anger or contempt in our hearts towards others (1 John 3:15; Matt 5:21-22).

Called to peace.

But as children of God who have been reconciled to our Father through Christ’s death and resurrection, we are called to deal with conflict in a Biblical way that is radically different from our natural instincts and the way the world fights. God calls us to be agents of reconciliation in the power of the Holy Spirit (2 Cor 5:16-21). In Ken Sande’s words, we are called to be peacemakers— not peace fakers or peace breakers! We are called to genuine peace.

 In Romans 12:14-21, Paul challenges us with the serious commitment needed to become a peacemaker, especially in the face of wrong treatment: Bless those who persecute us. Be tender and compassionate. Commit to living in harmony. Do not be proud. Meet your enemy’s need. Overcome evil with good. Move from seeking vengeance to finding ways to do good. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:18). While we actively pursue peace with a person who wrongs us, we continue to entrust the offender to God’s perfect justice and mercy. Peacemaking is an act of profound trust in God. It is also an act of obedience in defiance of our instincts to escape, avoid or attack.

Over and over again in Scripture, God commands us to seek and pursue genuine peace when we face disputes, especially with other Christians. We are called to seek the welfare of our community; to pursue mutual upbuilding; to aim for restoration and agreement; to allow Christ’s peace to rule our hearts; to strive for peace and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord (Ps 34:14; Jer 29:7; Rom 14:19; 1 Cor 7:15; 2 Cor 13:11; Col 3:15; 1 Thess 5:13; Heb 12:14). This is not an easy task, but if God has called us to peace, He has also promised to provide everything we need to become skilled peacemakers (2 Peter 1:3-9).

Conversely, God is not pleased with a contentious or quarrelsome spirit: “As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a contentious person for kindling strife” (Prov 26:21). “The greedy stir up conflict, but those who trust in the Lord will prosper” (Prov 28:25). “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins” (Prov 29:22).

There are three great reasons to grow in our peacemaking skills. The first reason is that it comes with a promise of blessing.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

God promises to bless peacemakers, “for they will be called sons of God”  (Prov 12:20; Matt 5:9). Blessed means more than fickle happiness. It is the state of those who are in Christ’s kingdom, living for Jesus and his eternal kingdom values. Blessed peacemakers experience God’s favour, hope and joy regardless of their situation. The Psalmist writes, “Consider the blameless, observe the upright; a future awaits those who seek peace” (Ps 37:37). God is pleased with our efforts at peacemaking, even if our opponent is unwilling to repent and resolve the conflict.

James reminds us that peace-making is the path to living wisely in God’s world. It is a process that, in time, will yield a harvest of righteousness in our own lives. Often this harvest spills over to the family and broader community of the peacemaker: “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness (James 3:17-18).

Peacemakers are Christlike.

The second reason to become a peacemaker is that it makes us more like Christ. Jesus’ whole mission, from birth to death, was a mission of peace-making (Luke 1:79; Isa 2:4).

“The Prince of Peace” laid down his life so that we could experience peace with God, peace with one another and peace within ourselves (Col 1:19-20; Rom 5:1-2). And so, as new creatures in Christ, peace and unity are essential to our Christian witness (John 17:1-19). A pattern of unresolved conflicts and broken relationships do not reflect well on Jesus’ saving work on the cross. In fact, they bring the gospel into disrepute.

And so, for a Christian, regardless of our tendencies, temperaments or cultures, a conflict is not a crisis to avoid, nor a reason to retaliate, nor an excuse to shift blame or become defensive. Rather, conflict is an opportunity to put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts (Rom 14:13). It is an opportunity to showcase the gospel and obey Christ’s command to love one another as He has loved us (1 John 3:10, 23). Peacemaking is what distinguishes God’s children from the unredeemed world.

Conflict is a stewardship.

The third reason to become a peacemaker is because it provides an opportunity to faithfully steward whatever God has given us. No conflict is an accident. In every conflict lies a choice. We can choose to follow the ways of the world and our flesh, selfishness, pride or lust for power. Or we can choose to faithfully steward our conflict by obeying God’s Word, by reflecting the humility and love of Jesus, our King.

No matter how messy or adversarial, conflict always provides an opportunity to glorify God, serve other people and grow in Christlikeness (Rom 8:28-29). This is God’s purpose for every conflict. We see this opportunity in Christ’s words to His disciples in the Sermon on the Mount:

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:27-36).

Similarly, Paul’s acid test of whether we are walking by the Spirit or the flesh is seen in our response to inter-personal conflict. His letter to the carnal Galatian Christians is sobering, as it goes to the heart of whether we belong to the kingdom of God:

“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other (Gal 5:19-26).

If God calls us to steward every conflict, we must ask ourselves, “How can I please God and strive for peace with this person who is opposing me?” Peace isn’t always possible, but God is pleased with our efforts as agents of reconciliation (Rom 12:18).

Conflict provides an opportunity to show the love and power of Jesus in our lives. It is an opportunity to see, confess and forsake our heart idols, which may be contributing to the quarrel (James 4:1-2). It is an opportunity to remove our own logs so that we can see clearly to confront someone else (Matt 7:1-6).

Conflict is an opportunity for us to gently correct and restore a Christian brother or sister caught in sin (Gal 6:1; Matt 18:15). It is an opportunity to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt 18:21-35). Forgiveness is hard, but it is the way to peace and reconciliation.

As Jesus said to his disciples, “So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” (Luke 17:3-5).

The core issue in conflict is not what we want or feel, but what God wants and the best way to pursue it. God calls us to steward every conflict by pursuing peace in His prescribed way. Many times we will discover that right actions lead to right feelings.

Join us next week as we look at “Practices of a Peacemaker.” We will look at the specific practices and processes that God has prescribed in Scripture to make peace.

Series: Lessons from the Old Testament, by Rosie Moore.

Being a godly leader means letting the Lord rule over all aspects of your life, including the way you raise your children. Eli, the highest Priest and judge in Israel, was a disaster with his family. He may have been an excellent priest, but he was a poor parent who failed to exercise an important aspect of discipline: corrective action. Eli admonished and pleaded with his entitled sons, Hophni and Phinehas, but failed to restrain them by removing them from their priestly service to the Lord (1 Sam 3:13; Deut 21:18-21). Although Eli was aware of the sins of his wayward sons, he enabled their wickedness and was complicit in their abuse of power and worship. The Bible cuts to the chase of the Priest’s failure: “Why do you honour your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?” (1 Sam 2:29). Eli cared more about honouring his sons than about honouring the Lord.

Eli’s story serves as a warning to every Christian parent, especially fathers who are called to be priests in their own families. In a culture where grace, love and compassion take priority over truth, discipline, and accountability, we must ask ourselves what love for our children really looks like. Eli chose to protect and please his sons rather than allowing them to experience the fruit of their choices.

Protecting and pleasing our children.

Likewise, if we choose to please our children rather than God, we may end up losing everything we value, including our children and families. If moms and dads value peace in the home more than obeying God’s clear instructions, we may inadvertently support our children’s sinful lifestyle and share in their guilt. Observe how the Lord gets to the heart of Eli’s failure:

“Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honour your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?’ “Therefore the Lord, the God of Israel, declares: ‘I promised that members of your family would minister before me forever.’ But now the Lord declares: ‘Far be it from me! Those who honour me I will honour, but those who despise me will be disdained.” (1 Sam 2:29-30, NIV).

Worthless men.

Hophni and Phinheas are described in the Bible as “worthless men [who] did not know the Lord” (1 Sam 2:12). It’s a distressing story which ends in God’s judgment on Eli and his house, and the sacred Ark of the covenant falling into enemy hands (1 Sam 2:17, 1 Sam 3:13). Hophni and Phinehas’s unrestrained sin and their father’s inaction had far- reaching consequences for the whole nation of Israel.

Hophni and Phinehas served as priests alongside their father, Eli, the High Priest. These young men took whatever they wanted from the people’s sacrifices. When worshippers protested, they bullied them (1 Sam 2:13-16). They abused their pastoral power by engaging in sexual immorality with the women who served at the tabernacle (1 Sam 2:22). Behind all these wicked acts were hearts of contempt for their pastoral position and rebellion against their father and the Lord.

Eli only confronted his sons with words, not actions (1 Sam 2:23-25). Perhaps Eli did not restrain them because he hated conflict and feared that they would lose their positions as priests.  What would happen if they could not support themselves and had to live on the streets? He seemed to care more about the gossip surrounding his sons than their eternal souls. This may indicate a pattern that had been repeated in Eli’s house from when the boys were very young.

A pattern of peace at all costs.

Hophni and Phinehas’s attitude and behaviour as young adults illustrates that discipline from a young age is worth the effort. The stakes are high. Parents like Eli, who seek peace and rest by not disciplining their children from a young age are dooming themselves to the opposite:

Solomon writes, “Discipline your son [and daughter] while there is hope, and do not desire his death” (Prov 19:18). Proverbs 23:13-14 warns, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death.” “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Prov 13:24). Proverbs 29:15 says that “a child left to himself” will bring shame to his mother, whereas “the rod and reproof give wisdom”. Moreover, well-disciplined children are a joy to be around, whereas poorly disciplined children are a menace (Prov 29:17.)

Eli did not restrain his sons.

A child with no restraints, who fears no painful, biblical consequences, who is not consistently given equal measures of action (rod) and words (reproof and instruction) from his parents, will bring public disgrace to them—and more importantly—to God. This is what we see in Eli’s family. A failure to discipline children is not kind, but cruel.

Perhaps Eli hoped that if he wasn’t too hard on his boys, they would learn to appreciate him and change their ways on their own. Perhaps he enjoyed serving with them in the tabernacle and didn’t want to risk losing the relationship they shared. Perhaps Eli cared too much about his reputation and wanted to avoid a scandal. Perhaps he had tried to discipline his sons in the past but lacked consistency and persistence. Perhaps Eli had disciplined them in anger, not seeing their failures as an opportunity to show them their sin and need for salvation. Or perhaps Eli had just been an inattentive father, too busy with the Lord’s work to worry about his home.

Whatever the reasons for Eli’s passive inaction in the past, Hophni and Phinehas now saw their father as old and weak. The boys had not grown into wise adult sons, but had become scoffers instead: “A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke” (Prov 13:1.) Because they had no desire to please their father or God in heaven, they would pay the ultimate price for their rebellion.

God’s judgment.

Spoken through the words of the boy Samuel, God’s judgment against Eli and his house was severe and enduring. This judgment indicates how seriously God takes a father’s duty to correct, teach, and restrain his children.

“See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears about it tingle.  At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family—from beginning to end.  For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons blasphemed God, and he failed to restrain them.  Therefore I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’” (1 Sam 3:11-14).

Even at this point, Eli’s response is one of resignation, not responsibility. Instead of repenting of his failure to restrain his sons, taking decisive action against them, and asking the Lord for mercy, Eli sighs, “He is the Lord, let him do what is good in his eyes” (1 Sam 3:18).

Eli is not the only poor parent in the Bible. Samuel also had adult sons who rebelled against his ways (1 Sam 8:3,5) and David would not take action against his adult children when they raped and murdered (2 Sam 13), which ultimately ended in a bloody civil war. Eli’s failure as a father is one that every honest parent can relate to.

Honouring God with our adult children.

After devoting almost three decades to raising our four children, Pete and I are now at the age where our children have left home, either to get married or study in Cape Town. The years have flown by. Even our baby, Hannah, exited the teens last week without any fanfare! Although we didn’t realise it at the time, we were preparing them for the day when they would leave our home and our daily influence, to become mature adults. It was all over too soon.

I have never enjoyed the discipline aspect of parenting, but I can honestly say that the Lord performed the most transformative work in our children’s lives when we allowed them to face the painful consequences of their poor choices instead of shielding them. Some of those moments are still painful for me to remember, but they are producing a harvest of peace and righteousness in our adult children’s lives (Heb 12:1). God truly blesses our smallest acts of faith and obedience in training up our children in both the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:1-4). God uses our words and our actions.

While our relationships with our adult children have changed, Jim Newheiser’s book “You Never Stop Being a Parent” has convinced me that there are still many opportunities to guide, bless and equip our children to live as wise, independent adults. Our home is not really an empty nest after all.  We can still honour God with our adult children.

Twixters.

But many parents I know feel helpless and hopeless about their adult children. We are living in the era of the “Twixter”, where children are postponing their adulthood into their thirties, living off their parents while they explore their identity and focus on self and limitless opportunities. Many parents are experiencing the stress of adult children living at home, expecting full adult privileges and freedoms, without adult responsibilities. Australians call these the ‘boomerang kids’ and Brits call them “kippers” (Kids in Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings)!

Some Christian parents are struggling with young adults who have turned away from the Lord and are engaging in substance abuse, sexual immorality, crime and directionless living. Many of these heartbroken parents continue to provide financially for their children–a home, car, cellphone, food, laundry and credit card, even though their children despise them and refuse to follow household rules. They are asking, “What went wrong, and what can we do about it now?”

What went wrong?

Sometimes we have parented like Eli, failing to restrain our kids, and this has contributed to their disaster (Prov 29:15; 19:18). It is simply cause and effect. Sometimes it’s because our children make poor choices, like Cain, who grew up to be very different from his brother, Abel. Ezekiel 18 records three generations of men—a righteous father, an unrighteous son, and his righteous grandson. It is not always the parent’s fault that one child accepts instruction and another stubbornly rebels.

But the most important reason why children turn out like they do is God’s sovereign grace. Our children are born in sin and need to be given spiritual life and sight. Not even the most perfect parent can be assured of children who love the Lord and submit to his authority. God alone saves our children (John 6:44). This should humble us and keep us on our knees.

But we can also learn from Eli, no matter how old our children are.

Priestly warnings and promises.

Firstly, like Eli, we hate to see our children suffer and often step in to shield them from the fruits of their own foolishness. In doing this, we are honouring our children above the Lord and standing between them and the painful discipline that the Lord is bringing upon them. We must aim to please the Lord, not our children. As David says, “Before I was afflicted, I went astray but now I keep your Word” (Ps 119:67). It was only when the prodigal son found himself in the far country eating with the pigs, lonely and broke, that he came to his senses and longed for home (Luke 15:11-18). His father had to let him go.

Secondly, Eli’s story reminds us that a foolish young adult will not be persuaded by parental nagging, whining, bribery, manipulation and threats. It is only decisive action that demands their attention.

Thirdly, Eli’s story highlights our utter inadequacy as parents and our desperate need for the perfect High Priest. Jesus Christ placed Himself on the altar to save imperfect parents like Eli, me and you. As the perfect Son of God, He laid down his comfortable life in heaven to rescue foolish, wayward children like Hophni and Phinehas, rebel children like us, and our sons and daughters too. Unlike Eli, this great High Priest can sympathise with our weaknesses and give his grace to help us in time of need (Heb 4:15-16). He’ll give you the strength you need to be a good parent, right to the very end.

Prayer.

Father, we confess that we have often failed to love and respect our children as people made in your image and responsible to live righteously before you. Give us conviction to truly love our sons and daughters by allowing them to reap what they have sown, while never turning our backs on them when they genuinely seek our help. Help us to do what’s best for our kids to please you, not to spare ourselves feelings of discomfort, fear or guilt. We ask you for wisdom to deal with the root causes of our children’s behaviour, and to use every crisis as an opportunity to show them the gospel. May we trust your Word more than our own thoughts and feelings, and rest in your provision when we are tempted to be negligent parents. Father, help me to love my child’s soul more than I love peace, comfort and rest. Amen.

Parenting resources and links to local bookshops:

• Jim Newheiser and Fitzpatrick, Elyse, You Never Stop Being a Parent—Thriving in Relationship with your Adult Children.
• Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Newheiser, James, Hendrickson, Laura– When good kids make bad choices.
• Paul Tripp, Shepherding your child’s heart.

Note on “You never stop being a parent!”

Whether frustrated or fulfilled as a parent, Jim Newheiser and Elyse Fizpatrick’s book “You Never Stop being a Parent” has excellent advice for all Christian parents of teen and adult children. I would highly recommend this biblical, practical and compassionate book. Here is an excerpt:

“Although it might seem harsh and unloving, taking action may be the very means that the Holy Spirit will use to get ahold of her heart. The Lord may use our simple acts of faith, our attempts at consistent discipline, as the means to deliver her from a lifetime of foolishness and heartache. Perhaps saying hello to pleasing God and saying no to her will be the most loving and kind thing we can ever do for her.”